Apr 21 2012, 6:18 PM

What do I want?

Some people said, “Get what you need, not what you want.” But, what if you don’t even know what you want?

When I was in twelve grade in high school, I was showered with almost similar questions every single day by every single person : “What do you want to do in college?” and another killer question : “Where are you going for college?”

Sometimes, I want to simply flip my fingers and say “Fuck off.”, but then I realize maybe they simply care or maybe nosy. I don’t know, I prefer the first one. So, yes, whatever. It’s sweet and nice if you are being asked that question, if you know the answer. But, if the only answer you can give is : “I don’t know.” It can be pretty bothersome.

Those moments have passed (Thank God!), but the quest of finding what you want, is endless. I’m now in college, majoring in film, and lucky enough to live in New York City. If I asked my one-year-ago self, she must have been pretty sure towards what’s waiting in her future. But, ask my present self, I would say : “I don’t know.”

My friend, a pilates teacher in upstate New York, once said to me : “I used to think I’ve known what I want, but turns out I didn’t.” Ditto, my friend. Being indecisive has always been my bitch. And uncertainty, if they don’t go side-by-side.

When I was a kid, I know what I want. I want to be a princess, surrounded by Barbie dolls and able to eat ice cream every single day. If only life is still that simple. 

If only life has a guide book, or a certain quest. 

April 13th 2012, 01:33 am

I woke up this morning feeling like shit. The previous night, I was trying to sleep. Those moments when your body was yearning for sleep yet your mind kept on racing over and over again, keeping the adrenaline up. Thus, this morning, having “successfully” slept for four hours, I woke up.

Out of nowhere, the word “trapeze” kept cruising in my head, so I googled it. It might be because of the Sex and The City episode I watched last night. The one with Carrie’s research of the flying trapeze. And how in the end, even though she couldn’t do the catch, she knew she would always have her friends to catch her.

The first search result that popped up was : “Trapeze School of New York, TSNY”, so I browsed the website, blablabla, and ended up at the ‘class schedule’ page. It was April 13th, yes, Friday the 13th, and there was one spot left for the 3:15 class, so you know what, I took them.

It might be the drowsiness that booked the class, but me, Clarisza Runtung, was going to be one who did the class.

I spent the entire evening still couldn’t believe I risked myself to take the $60 class out of boredom. And before I knew it, I was right there.

Pier 40. 353 West Street. New York.

I stood there, got into the elevator and stopped at the third floor/the rooftop. Stereotypically, a girl who went into the rooftop, with nothing but her phone, would be classified as suicide. Well, for a second I thought, maybe I was going to “kill myself”. I’m about to jump off the plank.

Finally I got into the rooftop and saw this huge sign that said “Trapeze School of New York, Forget Fear, Worry about the Addiction”. I quickly went to the office, because I saw the other students were already gathered in front of the trapeze gangs : safety net, two bars hanging, and fancy safety equipments. Just like in circus.

When I got into the office, the blonde short-hair girl greeted me and handed me a piece of  paper. “It’s a waiver. You have to sign the contract in order to join the class”, she said. So, leaved with no choice, I took it, and read it. There’s one point in the waiver that said :

“I certify that I have adequate insurance to cover any injury or damage I may cause or suffer while participating, or else I agree to bear the costs of such injury or damage myself. I further certify that I am willing to assume the risk of any medical or physical condition I may have.”

My heart skipped a beat, and somehow I asked “Do I have any insurance?”. I guess I still hadn’t got my conciousness back, since the morning.

So, I went to trapeze arena and greeted by this handsome African-American guy with well-defined abs. I got a little bit of my conciousness back. He taught me the basic moves, such as how to hold the bar, and preparation to jump. He later told me that they would teach me the “knee-hang” and “the catch” tricks by the end of the class. I was like, “Really?! I could barely see the bars from down here!”

But you know what, in the end of the class, I did it. It was those amazing moments when you thought you couldn’t do something, but you could! The support from the teachers were awesome, and not to mention, the rest of the students, in which all of them are, ladies, ranging from 4 - 25. Yes, my friends, four.

Seeing that all of the students, makes me wonder, where are the guys? Don’t they have the balls to jump off the plank? Wasn’t this supposed to be done by tough, courageous men? But then I thought, maybe either I just accidentally gotten into the all-girls class, or my first questions were true.

The class turned better than I expected. Got cool new friends, and teachers, and insights. I felt brand-new. I jumped off the plank for five times.

The first one, I was laughing my ass off and was like “This is fun!!”. Flying certainly feels indescribable. Awesomeness. Fun. The second one, before I got up, the teacher taught me the ‘knee-hang’ trick, but when I jumped off, I couldn’t get it up. So, I was shouting “I can’t get it up! I can’t get it up!” the whole time. The third one, I could get it up, but then I fell because I didn’t put my knee in the right position of the bar. The fourth one, my teacher started to teach me how to do the catch. I could do the knee-hang, but then I couldn’t catch my other swinger. 

The last one, before I got up, I talked to my new-awesome friend, Annie. She is a pilates teacher from Westchester, New York. We talked for a while during breaks and it turned into a pretty deep conversation. She said :

“I have always thought I found my passion. But, you know what, nope. This is the one.”

It makes me wonder, what if, people were born with undiscovered passions? What if our passions were not destined? That, they were just, things we’re good at, and were there at the right time. I believe it was true. Personally, I believe I have numerous passions, waiting to be discovered. Why? Because, if I only had one, I would definitely get bored. No matter how good I am in it.

She also said that :

“Clarisza, just listen to what the teacher say. Surrender, and let go. Let go of the temptations to do what you think is right, but rather do, what is right.”

So, for my last attempt, I started to listen and let go. And, I did it.

Ever since a long time ago, I have been searching the true definition of letting go. Through trapeze, I found it.

It was fvcking awesome.